Stupid people really piss me off

Has anyone else noticed that we spend most of our lives waiting for some other fucking moron to make up their minds before we do what we want to do. If I had my way, decent intelligent, normal people like us would would be allowed, no, compelled to carry cattle prods with us. That way we can speed up the morons, have you noticed the speed someone walks is in direct proportion to their inteligence, it's true, try walking behind a thick fuck today and you will notice, slow brain = slow feet! So, how to deal with these dumbass's; in the supermarket, you are in a rush and have a hand basket as you only need a few things, you have the plan of the shop memorised for ease of use and head directly for the right places, that is until... great big fat fag ash lil and her seven big fat kids stand in your way trying to decide whether or not to go down the crisp isle blocking it off for every other fucker. Who are they trying to kid, they're going down there, they're fat, thats what they do, its like them eating too much cake or ordering diet coke with their big mac meal 'go large', and my personal favoutite, reading the nutritional information on the back of their tins of 'all day breakfast', as if they fucking care! So, my solution zzappp cattle prod the fuckers, even animals learn through pain surely a human, no matter how thick, can; in the car, you know the ones I mean, they dont pull out at a junction unless both sides of the road are clear for at least 10 miles, they cant reverse park, they cant parrallel park, they sit at traffic lights far to long, put their brakes on going round 30mph corners, and again my favourite, looking at you with that 'Sorry I'm a dumb fuck' face when they try to 3 point turn in the main street cos they have gone the wrong way! zzappp fucking have it! But wait, theres more! In the street dont you just love the thick bastards who cant walk directly to a shop, oh-no, they have to stop in the path, turn 90 degrees and walk across the path of everyone else, of the twats who stop in the path and just gawp through shop windows. Fucking zzappp. People who dont clean up after their dogs, yeah, I want your dogs shit on my fucking shoe, Zzappp. Pricks in the pub who hover around the one armed bandit giving out unwanted advice, zzappp. Cyclists who have no fear of cars, mate you are not invincible, take this, zzappp. People who ask if I have spare fag or if they can borrow a fag, oh yes, I always carry spares, and if you borrow one when can I have it back. Zzappp. People who dont vote but then complain how the country is being run, if you have an opinion use it zzappp, zzappp zzappp!

A sexy austrailian story for a sexy austrailian

The sun was setting on yet another steaming hot day. Wilamina Rouke, Mina to her friends, was driving home after a day in the bush rescuing Koala’s that had fallen out of trees. Everything had been going fine until about an hour ago that’s when the air con in her Pajero had packed in. And that was why she was now driving along the interstate with all her windows down wearing just a small pair of white cotton panties and an old shirt tied up around her waist. On the passenger seat beside her sat the remainder of her clothes, tight jeans (she now realised that was a mistake on a day like this!) and her bra. As she drove along she moved her hand through the air outside the window feeling the cool breeze refresh her, she couldn’t help but notice the slight tingle she felt as the wind gently stroked across her breasts, teasing her sweat damp nipples causing them to become erect. She played with the radio, changing channels until she found something decent to listen to but she couldn’t decide which song. By now the teasing of the wind had made her feel more and more aroused, she could feel a warm dampness between her legs and moved her hand down, she felt the bubble of excitement in her stomach as she brushed past her panties. ‘Damn’ she said aloud. I really have to get back; I can’t pull over and scratch this itch now she thought to herself. Then she smiled naughtily, she couldn’t, could she, if she kept her eyes on the road she would be alright, surely, besides, she hadn’t seen another car for ages. Mina reached down and, with one hand still on the steering wheel began to tease herself, slowly running her fingers along the outside of her panties, occasionally flicking past her now swelling clit. She let out a sigh and slid her hand under the soft fabric of her panties, she needed satisfaction and she needed it now. Mina rubbed around the hood of her clit applying just the right pressure with her thumb to keep the buzz there, and then slowly she slid a finger into her now wet pussy. Slowly at first but speeding up to a crescendo she pumped her finger in and out of her tight pussy, bending it slightly to tease her g-spot whilst increasing the pressure on her clit, she came. Then she came again, she closed her eyes as a third pulse of orgasm ran through her body, her panties drenched from her sweet juices.
Jimmy Brooks was not having a good day; he had been sat in his patrol car for what seemed like an eternity. Typical bloody Aussies, he thought, stick the new guy on the quietest stretch of road in the world for a 10 traffic watch, I bet they were even more chuffed when they found out I was a pommie. ‘Bastards’ he said aloud for about the 100th time that day. Jimmy had come out to Australia 6 weeks earlier on a swap program with the English police force, he had volunteered as he wanted to see something of the world and where better to start! He still wasn’t sure where here was either, he knew the way back to the station and that was about it, he played with the radio until he found a rock station and turned it up loud. The sun was just starting to set and the heat was getting to him, a rock ballad came on the radio and before he could help himself his eyes began to close and the welcome arms of sleep began to embrace him. He awoke with a start, I car had just flown past him at one hell of a speed, he turned down the radio and began to follow it.
The sound of the siren brought Mina back to Earth, she opened her eyes and checked her Speedo ‘Fuck’ she said aloud as she read the dial, ‘140km/hr fuck, fuck, fuck!’ She looked in her rear view mirror and saw the police patrol car behind her, lights flashing and indicating to her to pull over. She pulled over and sat in the car, wondering how she could explain away her speeding, what she was wearing and how the Pajero had that sweet lingering smell of sex about it!
Jimmy stepped out of the patrol car and walked over to the Pajero, he could see through the windshield that the driver was a female, not just that, an attractive female! ‘Maybe things are looking up’ he said quietly to himself as he approached the car.
Mina saw the police officer exit the car and walk towards her, she blushed, damn she though to herself, he had to be cute, she watched as he strode over in a confident yet relaxed way, a friendly smile painted on his face.
‘Is this your vehicle miss?’ Jimmy asked before glancing into the Pajero and seeing Mina in her state of undress ‘Is everything alright, are you ok, what’s going on, why aren’t you dressed?’ the words flew out of his mouth before he could stop them, he was turning red he could feel it. He was normally so cool under pressure but the sight of this hot girl in next to nothing had broken him instantly! ‘I’m fine officer’ Mina replied enjoying Jimmy’s uncomfortableness, did she catch a hint of an English accent? ‘My air con is busted and I am trying to keep cool!’ ‘And that explains the speeding does it?’ said Jimmy regaining his composure, ‘Look, pop the hood and I’ll have a look at the air con for you’, he smiled at her and she could see the warmth in his sky blue eyes. ‘Thankyou’ she replied. Mina popped the hood and Jimmy peered inside the engine bay, ‘Yeah’ he said after 5 mins, ‘I think I can fix that, give me a second I’ll get the tool kit from my car, do you want some water? I have some a cool box in the trunk.’ ‘Please’ Mina replied, again thinking where did this guy come from! Jimmy returned carrying a toolbox and a 2 litre ice-cold bottle of water, ‘There you go’ he said handing Mina the water ‘Sorry but I am going to have to take my shirt off, I don’t want to get it covered in oil’. Mina watched as Jimmy removed his shirt revealing a toned but not to toned chest and stomach, a single bead of sweat running down between his chest hair. She could still feel the excitement in her pussy as she watched this man trying to help her and knew that she was still turned on.
Five minutes later Jimmy lifted his head out from the engine bay. ‘That’s it I think’ he said smiling, he was covered in oil, it was over his chest arms face even some on his back. Mina laughed when she saw him and handed him a mirror from her bag ‘Looks like I’m gonna get my shirt dirty after all’ he said with a huge smile. ‘Maybe not’ replied Mina as she stepped out of the car. For the first time Jimmy saw Mina fully, he could feel his heart beat rise and a stirring in his loins, he blushed and realised Mina had watched him check her out. ‘I..er..’ he started but Mina cut him off ‘Lets see what we can do with this’ she said. Jimmy gasped as she poured some of the ice-cold water over his chest and began washing him, all the while she looked him dead in the eye, Mina took a hand full of water and began washing his face. Jimmy couldn’t hold himself back any more and leaned forward to kiss her, she responded passionately and the pulled each other in close, tongues exploring each others mouths while there hands moving everywhere touching each other excitedly, the mix of oil and sweat just aiding their lubrication. Mina fumbled with Jimmy’s belt as he untied the shirt releasing her perfect breasts, her caressed a nipple whilst his other hand squeezed on Mina’s shapely arse tightly. Mina finally released Jimmy’s cock from the trousers, he was already rock hard and she was pleased with the size. She began to stroke it, moving her hand up and down the length, her fingertips flicking lightly across his head as she did this. He moaned lightly. Mina dropped to her knees and without a pause took Jimmy’s length in her mouth, she could taste the pre-cum and knew that he was ready, she worked the shaft with her hand as she sucked and licked at his head. ‘Oh my god’ cried Jimmy as Mina took him again fully in her mouth and he exploded inside her. Mina continued to suck and caress his cock as she felt the twitches of him cumming subside, she swallowed his hot load as he pulled her to her feet. He kissed her hard on the mouth and lifted her off her feet carrying her to the Pajero. Jimmy placed Mina lying back down on the hood of the Pajero. He stood with her legs over each shoulder, her pussy right in front of his face and pulled her now soaking wet panties to one side. Jimmy could smell Minas hot pussy and new that she getting excited, he teased her clit with his tongue, pulling back her hood and licking all around it. At the same time he worked two fingers in and out of her pussy. Jimmy could feel Mina quiver as he rubbed against her g-spot. He moved his mouth down and began lapping at Minas pussy, savouring the sweet taste, and occasionally moving back to flick at her clit with his viscous tongue. Jimmy continued to lick and tease as Minas body began to buck as she drove her pussy harder into his mouth, see came and he could feel the flow of her juices as they washed into his mouth. Jimmy moved away and Mina sat up they kissed again, Mina tasting her own juices in Jimmy’s mouth. As they kissed Mina noticed Jimmy’s cock was hard again, with a smile she slid off the hood and turned around, hands on the hood, ‘Are you going to search me then officer?’ she asked with a wink. Jimmy smiled, walked over to her and bent her roughly over the hood ‘Does this mean you are resisting arrest!’ Mina gasped as she felt his weight against her arse and her back, she turned her head to the side and they kissed passionately. Mina reached behind her and slowly guided Jimmy’s swollen cock deep inside her ‘Oh my god!’ she gasped as he began to pump in and out of her in a slow methodical beat. Mina could feel Jimmy’s fingers playing with her clit as her fucked her, she was on the edge now and needed the release of orgasm. ‘Fuck me harder, faster’ she gasped between breaths. Jimmy obliged and began to thrust hard and deep into Minas hungry pussy, both of them panting and moaning. Jimmy began to cum, this pushed Mina over the edge and they came together, holding each other still as the tremors subsided. Jimmy pulled out of Mina and she turned around, they kissed and laughed for a while. As they started to collect their clothes, variously thrown around the roadside Mina picked up Jimmy’s handcuffs, she laughed and said ‘And what do we do with these!’ Jimmy smiled and replied ‘You’ll find out when we get to your place!’

Drunken lookalikes!

Ok then the girl sailor story, I am not proud of it but it is a good one, I think! Right, she was so not a looker it’s unbelievable, in fact, she looked like and was known onboard as fat Harry Potter (FHP)! Despite this she was a genuinely lovely girl who was good fun to be around. So back to the story, I was out with friends in Plymouth and was absolutely totally out of my tree! I got separated from the lads in Jesters around 0130 and stumbled into the Clipper pub (which is handily next door!). Now the Clipper doesn’t close till 0700 so I had plenty of time left! As I walked in I saw FHP sat at the bar, I walked over and joined her as she was on her own and we had a few drinks and a few laughs, now I am sooo drunk by now its untrue. Anyway, somehow I find myself sat in her apartment with a cup of coffee in one hand and her sucking my cock, I still don’t know what happened to get me there or what started it off but I know that at the time it felt good so I went with it. I’m sure you are aware of the side effects of a shit load of booze on a man, one of two ways, either limp as a poofs wrist or like a rod of iron all night. I was the latter. I finished my coffee whilst watching her head bob up and down on my cock, occasionally moaning my appreciation to her. When I felt myself about to cum I stopped her and led her to the bedroom (only next door, it wasn’t a big apartment!), lay her on the bed and started to strip off her clothes, keeping my jeans on with my cock sticking out proudly from the fly! Before I continue I have to say, I am not making these stories up, you should by able to tell my made up ones, the plots are far better! Ok I lay beside her and we kissed, she has very large breasts and I spent my time kissing them and caressing them with one hand, the other stroking her wet Migee (private joke!) and work my way down to lick at her, suprisingly small, clit. I give her the works, I don’t know why, I could have got away with a polite lick and then on with the job but I wanted to do a good job! Plus the girls onboard would probably get a full report on my performance! She came hard against my mouth forcing her clit against my teeth and filling my mouth with her juices. (Reminds me of another story now!) I worked my way up her body and we kiss again, she moaned in pleasure when she tasted her self and then she said the most wonderful words a man can hear on a one-night stand! ‘You can do what you like’ fan-fucking-tastic! So I had a wank and watched match of the day! Only joking. FHP, for a big lass she was suprisingly lithe and nimble, we fucked everywhere, my favourite position (girl on back missionary, legs up, knees bent cradled in my elbows, my wrists locked against their kidneys holding them to the bed, pushing down and forcing up in time with each thrust, and I mean thrust, whole length with a lot of power!). I lost count of how many times she came, but she was loving it! I stood at the end of the bed and she kneeled on all fours in front of me, as I fucked her hard from behind she was shouting to me to pull her hair, harder and harder, it was fucking mental! I started to slid my finger up her arse as we fucked and she froze saying that she hadn’t done that before (yeah, right!). I told her not to worry and that if she wanted to do it I could show her. She said yes and I looked for some kind of lube, I looked everywhere, no moisturiser, no Vaseline no nothing, then I stumbled into the kitchen and spotted…the cooking oil bottle. I grabbed it and headed back to the bedroom FHP was now laying on her front waiting, I splashed the oil liberally over her ass and over my cock and then gently inserted a finger and slid it in and out, she moaned as I tickled her clit with my other hand, after a minute she told me she was ready and I entered her properly. She actually squealed with delight! Unbelievable! Again she begged me to pull her hair as I fucked and I obliged, it soon dawned on me that she must have done this before and so tried something new. I flipped her over, and adopted my favourite position, only this time she tilted her hips so my cock was in line with her arse. She took a deep breath and I entered her gently at first but as she reached to her feet and pulled them in for me to go deeper I sped up, she let go of one foot and her leg wrapped against my back dictating speed, faster and faster, her free hand now played with her clit. Honestly the speed and vigour I was putting in I thought my heart would explode, finally relief as I came deep in her ass. I collapsed onto her and she held me as I shook. After cleaning ourselves off we slept for 2 hours before heading back to the ship, I got out of the taxi 5 mins away from the ship so no-one would see us arrive together and we left each other alone. Neither of us mentioned it to anyone and acted as if nothing had happened when we saw each other. So, about 2 months later I am out in town with some of the lads and she walks in with some of the girls, they are on one side of the bar and we are on the other. My mate notices them points at FHP and says to another of my mates, didn’t you fuck her the other week, my other mate replied yeah, she was shit and started slagging her off. Now don’t get me wrong, I had no feelings for this girl but, she had been a fucking good shag and I felt she was being done an injustice so I turned to my mate and asked if he was sure it wasn’t him that was crap. He said no and carried on bad mouthing her so I stepped in pointed out that I had slept with her and that she was great shutting my mate up! You can imagine that went round the ship so quickly, the story of what went on changed from person to person, one that I was told was that I used dirty oil from a chip pan! The knock on effect was strange to, as, while guys were now queuing up for this great shag the girls were staying away from me for fear of having their asses invaded! That was two years ago now and people still mention it.

First story - autobiographical?

OK, I shall set the scene, I am in an English port and you have come over to meet me, but we decide on a little role-play beforehand. Due to the ship sailing my leave expires at 0300 so we decide to meet near where my ship is docked a nice nondescript bar in a nice hotel. Ever hoping to make a good impression I attempt to arrive early, unfortunately fate has conspired against me and my taxi driver takes forever to drop me off. I walk into the bar and spot you immediately, although your back is to me. I can tell by the knee high boots and the way you have done your hair, up but in a messy way; as if all you had to do was shake your head and it would tumble down. I walk up behind you, gently whisper in your ear 'Sorry i..' 'Don't be' you reply 'you're here now' as I the kiss the back of you neck softly. You turn around with a slight smile and hold out your hand, 'Helen' you say, almost coyly, I take your hand, lightly kiss it 'Johnny' I reply 'A drink' you nod your head. I order for us both, two Mojitos. We sit at a nearby table waiting for our drinks and make small and yet suprisingly comfortable small talk about nothing much at all. The drinks arrive, more small talk, the Mojitos are good! After we finish the drinks we move on to the restaurant, for ease of travel and because I only have a little time it is in the same hotel as the bar. We sit and I order some wine, white. Again I order for us both, something exotic and new to both of us, this is a night for new things. Over dinner talk turns to more serious issues, but nothing contentious. Desert arrives and with it lighter chat as you enjoy your chocolate cake and I savour my sorbet. You turn to me and ask 'What happens next' you ask as you spoon feed me the last piece of chocolate cake .I reply 'Follow me', we walk away from the table and to the hotel reception desk. You feel my hand shaking a little and wonder if I am really so confidant or just putting on an act but you are intrigued and stay by my side. 'Ah Mr Briggs' the porter says in a friendly manner, 'your room is ready' as he hands me a key card. You are stunned, 'what's goi...' you start to question but stop when you realise my plans, what the hell you think, I deserve to have some fun. We get into the lift and I press the button for floor 10, as I turn to you, you reach out, pull me in and kiss me hard on the mouth, I am staggered for a second, but only for a second as I then begin to kiss you back. PING. The lift comes to a stop and the doors open. We walk hand in hand the short distance to the room where I open the door and hold it open for you. You walk in, the room is nice yet not pretentious, by the side of the bed is an ice bucket with a bottle of Champagne chilling in it. 'You were confident I would end up here' you say, with a smile. 'Of course,' I reply with a smile. I pour two glasses of Champagne and hand one to you, I take a sip, put down my glass and pull you towards me, we kiss again, the taste of Champagne and the slight hint of chocolate only increase the pleasure as we fall to the bed. We lay on the bed, kissing and caressing each other each realising that everything that had happened so far had happened for this reason. I stop kissing you. 'I need to take a shower' I say and walk into the bathroom. You sit on the bed, stunned. You refill your Champagne glass as you hear the shower start. I walk back into the room with my towel tied around my waste to find you lying across the bed wearing nothing but a pair of black French knickers. I calmly walk around the bed a sit beside where you are laying. 'I'm not usually this forward' you say, I reply 'neither am I' as I lean over to kiss you. We kiss long and hard as I caress you perfect breasts and tease the insides of your thighs. I reach for the Champagne bottle; you take a deep breath as I drizzle it over your chest, stomach and over your panties. I start to lick the Champagne off, starting over your stomach, long lingering strokes each time skirting your breasts but not touching them, I can feel you flinch as I stroke over your panty line. I now move to your breasts, teasing your nipples with my tongue until they stand erect, you begin to moan in pleasure and I begin to slowly move down your body. I pull off you black panties to reveal your beautiful trimmed pussy as you let out I sigh. The first thing you feel is my breath over your lips before I begin to caress your thighs with my tongue, again getting closer and closer to you pussy but not quite touching it. The anticipation it growing in you and all you want to do is scream at me to 'lick me, now' almost sensing this I finally move my mouth across to your pussy, the mixture of Champagne and your own sweet taste is incredible and I can hardly control myself, but I do, tonight isn't about me, it's about you. I tease your clit with the tip of my tongue whilst holding the hood away with my fingers, I don't apply much pressure at first, instead allowing you to dictate the pace which you do. You push your clit against my tongue increasing the pressure and a moan escapes your lips, I begin to make longer swipes with my tongue now, across you pussy lips, over your clit and then back pushing deeper into you sweet pussy each time. I feel you body start to tense as the first wave of orgasm approaches and slowly insert a finger into you, this pushes you over the edge and you cum, your orgasm seems to last for ever, helped along by my vicious tongue continuing to tease your clit. Your juices now run down my fingers as I move away to kiss you again, you are flushed and out of breath but respond to my kiss, tasting your own orgasm. We kiss and hold each other for a few moments then I gently move above you, instinctively you move your legs apart waiting for me to penetrate you, eventually I do, but not before waiting long enough for you to be aching to cum again. We start gently still kissing our bodies as one, a slow rhythm building between us; slowly I reach down and begin to lift your ankles towards my shoulders. As I do this you feel me moving deeper and deeper into you, your ankles are now over my shoulders and I am gripping you in place by you waist. I am pushing in so deep now it's like nothing you've ever felt before, you are running out of breath but manage to splutter 'Faster, Harder' I oblige, we are no longer two people we are animals the sounds coming from each of us ineligible, you cum again, the tremors of these sets me off, I cum as I drive deep into your pussy. We lie there together shaking; the room is cold now. We hold each other; I am still inside you. No words are spoken as we stare into each other’s eyes, I smile, you giggle and we kiss once more. A different type of kiss, one that only lovers can share. We pull apart, 'now we really need a shower' you say and lead me to the bathroom, we climb in the shower together and we wash each other, the sight on you naked arouses me again, you notice, 'wasn't that enough for you' you laugh and before I can reply you drop to you knees and take me in your mouth. The hot water massaging my neck and feeling from you on my cock is incredible and I almost cum straight away, I pull you towards me, kiss you softly and turn you around so that you are kneeling in the bathtub with the shower hitting you arse. I enter you from behind, you let out a satisfied yelp and we screw hard and fast, your hands slapping against the cold tiles and splashing the water around. You reach between your legs and gently squeeze my balls, this tips me over and you with me we both cum. Five minutes later and we are in the room dressed in towels, 'what time is it?' I ask, '2 o'clock' you reply. We both know that I have to leave, we kiss and I go. You sit on the bed, and, thinking of what happened that night, play with yourself until you fall asleep.

First blog - A warning.

Standby, coming shortly a collection of shortish stories from the devient mind of Johnny Briggs. Be warned these are not for children, well unless they have been really bad or are already shagging, in that case welcome and, can you give me any tips. No really. I am willing to pay!